When Big Brother 2011 climaxed last month with ‘crowd fav’ Aaron scooping victory, I was distraught, my life became meaningless. There was no longer the allure of fresh Z-Listers being churned out, but wait, Brian Dowling had news. It turns out, Celebrity Big Brother would be back after Crimbo. And with that the rumour mill began!
Like always gossip is flying around like Dumbo on crack and it’s allegedly going to be the best lineup ever. Now, I’ve followed the BB formula and this list of rumoured celebs can, nay, will happen. 12 housemates – 6 girls and 6 boys, plus two special guests.
And while this is not a wish list or a confirmed list, it is certainly a possible list. I’m not asking for Beyonce to go in and give a live birth, or anything like that. These ‘celebs’ are definitely doable, they could all potentially be booked for the show. When was the last time you heard of any of them? So without further ado, I give you the 2012 Celeb BB housemates…
Like everyone, I have a love/hate relationship with this boy and any BB executives would be foolish not to approach him for an appearance in the house. I mean, he fits the criteria perfectly. He hit rock bottom in a matter of weeks and what else has he honestly got to lose. He’s not only lost his place in X-Factor, he lost the tour, his credibility, his sobriety and possibly his left nostril. The wannabe rockstar only has one hope to maintain his celebrity status and that’s to appear on any reality show that will have him.
While not everyone may know who exactly he is, he’s at least more famous than Bobby Sabel – the other model they had in the last celeb BB house. Jay Camilleri is exactly what the 2012 house needs; he’s drunk, opinionated and bisexual. He was practically the star of E4’s Dirty, Sexy Things and has since gone on to bed every Z-lister on the market, from Harry Derbridge to Chloe Madeley. To sum, I love him.
Well, I can’t really help but put him in this list, after all the media attention he’s garnered the Culture Club singer surely must be in the famous bungalow. While his demand for £1 million may be a bit excessive, he would be hilarious in there; like a new Pete Burns. So sure, go ahead put him in the house!
Who? I hear you ask. And so you should ask! Because this celeb falls into the standard category of an ‘A-lister’s relative, twice removed.’ Yep, this guy is actually Rod Stewart’s son. Wow, I hear you say. And so you should say! He’s a self-proclaimed singer/songwriter and model, appearing on not one, but two reality shows. Yes, he’s in fact a nobody. But come on, after Channel 5 blow their budget on ol’Boy George, then they’re going to have to draft in a few begs – plus he’s 31 and has a semi-good body, perfect!
Filling the journo quota, it’s James Ingham and whilst he’s no Jon Snow he’s definitely got a firm Twitter following. Writing for The Daily Star – the official Big Brother paper (hint) – he has his own celebrity section in the Sunday addition and often soirees at the glitziest of swanky celeb parties. Plus, ya know, Channel 5 and the Daily Star are all owned by the mega business man Richard Desmond – he’s really just killing two birds with one stone; a housemate and one pay check, bargain.
Side note: originally my last BB boy was going to be McFly singer Tom Fletcher – being the only band member who hasn’t appeared on a reality show – but upon further reflection, I don’t believe he’ll appear in the BB house after the other three have enough exposure appearing on: Popstar to Operastar, I’m a Celeb and Strictly.
So, my last position is reserved for washed-up Adam Rickitt. Probably still riling that instead of reappearing in Coronation Street as dull Nick Tilsley, letting Footballers’ Wives actor Ben Price steal his place, he opted to restart his pop ‘career,’ performing in every dingy gay bar he could find. This is one celeb that likes his fingers in all the pies, he’s gone from soap star to singer, turned to politics, emigrated to New Zealand and been the frontman of the RSPCA – he just can’t decide what he wants to do, perhaps it’s the life of a reality star he craves?
It’s everyone’s favourite ex-partner to car-crash Lindsay Lohan. It’s a Big Brother tradition to invite the ex of an A-lister into the house, in the hope that they’ll dish all the dirt. It’s a trick that has previously failed with the likes of Pamela Bach-Hasselhoff and Brigitte Nielsen. But hopefully the grouchy, lesbo DJ will jump at the chance to spill the beans on her ex jail-bird girlfriend.
OK, so she may have originally found fame in 2005’s Big Brother but she’s equally found out what’s down Ryan Gigg’s pants. She’s had a whole court case revolving around her and been a prominent figure in 2011. She’s allegedly got an upcoming reality show on Channel 5, in which she’ll be fronting a female version of the Bachelor. Desmond will do everything in his power to promote her to success. Plus, every house needs a hussy.
While I debated long and hard with this decision and obviously considered the rumours that Sam Faiers had left TOWIE to pursue a position in the Celeb BB house. If we’re honest, I think we know that Sam is suited to her Essex ways and she should most definitely stay there; along with Lauren Goodger who was also rumoured to be entering the house.
Out of all of the girls, I think I definitely want to see more of Chloe Sims. Well, more of her personality and not her boobs pouring out her outfit, as per usual. She’s definitely a winning reality star, she’s already lied about being a playboy bunny and bonked blue band member Simon Webb (while he still had a girlfriend). And despite her obvious flaws and obsession with plastic surgery, I find myself warming to Sims more than the other TOWIE ladies. You go girl.
Basically, because what else is she going to do? She’s the soap reject that sold her pregnancy to the TV, all for added seconds to her 15-minutes. She allegedly was meant to be in the jungle but for some unknown reason she wasn’t present in the cast lineup. And now she has no job to support her newborn. It’s basically a 100% guarantee that Cassidy will make an appearance in Celeb BB 2012. Hopefully we’ll see a little east-end Sonia Fowler in her and not just a whingey old hasbeen.
The reason: she looks good. What other criteria do you need? Surely that’s why they had past contestants like Nicola T and Danielle Lloyd – a little bit of eye candy. Let’s be fair, this image looks like it could have been taken straight from the BB house anyway. But in case you don’t know, Gemma Merna plays Carmel Valentine in Hollyoaks and is a regular at the Embassy nightclub (celeb haunt). ‘Oaks actresses are always after their next venture in the hopes of leaving the teen soap.
A risky choice for the BB bungalow but one that could payoff. New York, aka Tiffany Pollard, is an American reality star that packs a punch. If you thought Charley Uchea from Big Brother 8 was bad, well you’ve not seen anything yet. New York rose to fame by appearing on Flavor of Love, a Bachelor-esk show with Flavor Flav, her bat-shit crazy personality got her a string of reality shows of her own. Celeb BB always has an American that no one has heard of, why not have New York; I promise you, you won’t forget her. Here’s a small taster of the potential that this bitch could cause, I love it!
The Special Guest
Lauren Harries is practically begging to be in the BB house, she started a twitter campaign and brown-nosed on Bit on the Side. And, while I agree she would certainly be entertaining, it’s not right that Channel 5 should just roll over and give it to her. No, she’s got to work for her position. Picture this, the Celebrity Big Brother 2012 Launch Night and they’ve given unsuspecting Lauren some crappy fashion presenting job for BOTS; she’ll obviously be upset she’s not a housemate but she’ll still love the exposure.
But wait there’s more, at the end of the launch they tell Lauren that she is, in fact, going in. Yep, the child prodigy turned tranny’s will go to the ball, her hard work has paid off. But she will go in without any of her belongings – except incontinence pads which apparently stopped her progress from entering Big Brother’s past. She’ll also be given the glorious position of the Big Brother mole and will have a series of argument-inducing tasks to avoid eviction.
Any finally, let’s face it, this deer-chasing dog has had a longer fifteen minutes then some of the other Z-list dross they’ve had in years past. And while some haters have wanted to dump a lion inside the house of these no-hopers, I propose you dump this lovable dog. He’ll only appear as part of a challenge (obviously to avoid a call from the Animal Protection), with one housemate trying to grab the attention of Fenton for a luxury shopping budget. Just picture the dog’s entrance, ‘Oh Jesus Christ, it’s FENNTTOOON’ (you heard that in a Brian Dowling voice, right?)