With all the hype and excitement that surrounded E4’s new reality show, I’ve got to admit, I was a little elated that I’d have a brand new batch of Z-listers to obsess over. But upon first watching this new TOWIE copy my initial reaction, other than wanting to stab my ears with knitting needles at the travesty of their accents, was that of nausea at the utter cringe of it all. Desperate Scousewives brings together bad acting, bad characters and bad voices in what can only be described as a catastrophe.
What makes the reality formula so successful is the ability to relate to a character and a natural curiosity into someone else’s life. But last I checked, no one ever wanted to know what Liverpool was doing. We were happy in the knowledge that it was there, and that was enough.
But the main issue with show is the one dimension of these Liverpudlians, honestly, no one cares that there’s been another one-night stand in the Liverpool vicinity, it happens every Satuday night; it’s hardly a news flash.
The show starts by describing all the upcoming Desperate Scousewives characters, making it seem like they’re all familiar friends but it soon becomes apparent that these Scousewives are no more mates than people waiting for a bus. Their cardboard acting, and inability to talk to each other without sounding like children reading the nativity for the school play, makes it increasingly clear that these people were rounded up by Channel 4’s executives. Each character seems so distant towards each other and there seems to be no real emotion. They’re already completely detached from reality, what with bloggers, models and face painting all genuine career choices of these people, from the offset the show starts as unbelievable.
The only thing I can credit Scousewives for was their use of ‘to the camera’ shots, where the camera turned face-on in a documentary style to narrate characters feelings on the situation. It interestingly felt like the least staged part of the show and was the only insight into real people. But having only three scenes where this happened, it didn’t make a strong enough impact on the otherwise disastrous scripted performances.
The utterly detestable cast are fronted by Jodie Lundstram who is coming back to Liverpool after London had an apparent lack of hair rollers. It quickly becomes clear that Jodie has some kind of social defect, as during a job interview she kisses her potential employers – has the bitch never watched Friends that’s a definite no no in interview etiquette. She secures her job by unveiling Liverpool’s answer to a Vajazzle the Scouse Brow. Now, personally I don’t like an eyebrow that has the potential to smear in the rain but it’s obvious to all that this is just a glorified tramp stamp on your face. I hope this doesn’t catch on, they’ll be nothing left of some wannabe girls.
I may be being too harsh to Desperate Scousewives, its script wasn’t completely cardboard-like ; it did manage to stir up complete anger. The honor goes to arrogant and irritating Z-Lister Jaiden Micheal, allegedly claiming to be Britain’s bitchiest blogger – maybe not Britain but he’s certainly Liverpool’s biggest twat. Strutting around with some unexplainable air of importance, he slated glamour model Amanda Harrington saying that ‘no one knew who she was’, I’ve got news for you mate, no one knows who you are. Some people will just say anything to be famous and Jaiden definitely delivers.
However, don’t be fooled, model Amanda doesn’t fail to be equally as vapid as the Brit Perez. I must applaud her for managing to fit a sob story in the first episode. Through the crocodile tears she tells bessie Chloe Cummings (Abbey Crouch’s cousin) that life as a single mum was hard and she, in fact, is like every other mother – obviously every other mum with her boobs out for a calendar.
And when it comes to other cast member Layla Flaherty, desperate is an understatement, more like bunny boiler, she is the personification of a Desperate Scousewife. Watching her beg for Joe McMahon’s penis never failed to make my skin crawl. She looked as mad as the March Hare who had a bad case of Syphilis. She’d stop at nothing to get average Joe’s attention, even getting in his car for a quick shag after she was treated like dog doodoo.
Now it’s not all doom and gloom, I still hold hope that these reality stars can become as much a part of my life as their MIC and TOWIE counterparts. One character that’s grabbing the reins is Elissa Corrigan, she delivered a spectacular performance in the last minutes of the episode going mental at her ex. An act most girls can relate to, I had great empathy for this girl and an instant warmth towards her. This was the only glimpse of real emotion that reminded me that potentially this is ‘real life’ and the cameras are showing us ‘real’ people. Let’s hope the rest of the cast can learn from Elissa before they fade into obscurity.